Happiness is a Warm Gun

Warning.  This post may seem graphic and ridiculous.

About a month ago, I decided to become a vegetarian.  It seems kind of ridiculous, because those who know me will recall my love for hot wings and pepperoni rolls.  One Sunday morning, I was having breakfast at Eggs R Us happily gnawing on a piece of crispy bacon, when it occurred to me:  I am eating some animal’s death.  Something clicked and suddenly, I no longer wanted to eat meat.  Suddenly, I was a vegetarian.

The reasons one has for making this decision are deeply personal and should not be up for public debate.  However, I’d like my contribution to this blog to be deeply personal and also reflective of the actual struggles that real people have with food.  So, I’m going to try to articulate what this decision means to me and also lay down a few disclaimers.

Well, I suppose it starts with this.  I am afraid of death.  Yours, mine, that kid down the street’s impending doom.  It’s a big part of who I am.  I spend an obsessive amount of time thinking about this fear pretty much every waking hour of the day.  This is not up for discussion.  Please accept it as a very serious admission of fact.

I am not giving up meat because “meat is murder” exactly.  I just can no longer separate that I am eating A DEAD THING.  At one point, this creature had eyes and a family (whether it was aware of them or not), and now I’m going to cover it in Frank’s Red Hot and dip it in ranch dressing.  What?  Humans are so absurdly narcissistic.  We spend so much money on funerals and proper burials and devote large portions of our towns to preserving the integrity of our dead loved ones.  Then we make gravy with the squished up juices from cows and piggies.

They say “birds of a feather flock together.”  Yeah.  Right into my mouth.

So, I’m done.  My desire to eat a diet full of animals has come to a very natural end, and I’m embracing it.

For the most part.

Another important facet of my personality is a tendency to be agreeable.  Call it “middle-child syndrome” or an unrelenting need for harmony.  Call me “easy”, I don’t care.  The point of this behavior is to not put anyone else out.  Be flexible.  Go with the flow.  I’m pretty good at it.

So, in deciding to give up meat, I’m making some consessions.  I’d rather NOT put other people out, and instead would rather forfeit my own peculiarities temporarily.  Next week is Thanksgiving, for example, and though it may go against my morbid neuroses, I’m going to eat an entire meal flavored with the juices of turkeys.  And I’m going to love it, because Thanksgiving isn’t about what you’re eating.  It’s about the strategic murder of millions of Native Americans!  Just kidding.  It’s about love or something.

Besides holidays, there are a couple of other occasions for which I’ll put my convictions on the shelf and meat myself.  As you may or may not know, I write about food for a blog called Pittsburgh Hot Plate.  I will be reviewing restaurants and trying to give readers an accurate description of food and atmosphere.  I’m not going to Ruth’s Chris Steak House and eating an ear of corn, I can promise you that.  For the most part, I’ll stick to veggies, but if someone takes me to a place where meat is the specialty, I will give it a fair shot.  In the name of research.

Oh, and my most favorite occasion of cheating on my herbivore status will be Drover’s!  Drover’s Inn is an AMAZING tavern in my hometown of Wellsburg, WV (near Bethany College and not-far-at-all from Washington, PA or Wheeling, WV.)  Anyway, Drovers has the distinct privilege of serving the BEST WINGS I’ve EVER HAD.  On many occasions, I’ve driven the one hour-ten minute drive just to eat Drovers wings & cheese fries!  (Once, I drove from Wexford to Wellsburg to pick up take out, and I took it back to Wexford to eat it.  My car smelled so good for days!)  The point is Drovers wings are totally worth the murder and mayhem involved.  I think so anyway.

There you have it.  My new title, being the huge nerd that I am, will be a “flexitarian”.  I will eat an almost exclusively vegetarian diet, with maybe a couple of exceptions here and there.  The first month has been surprisingly easy.  I had two or three occasions to eat meat, and I’m happy that it wasn’t a big deal.  Nobody started pointing fingers or calling me out for not being a “real” vegetarian.  I’m sure it will get easier.

Please please please send me recipes of your favorite vegetarian recipes!  Also, I’d love to hear about meatless products that you love or hate!  I am going to need to get creative and start cooking more at home.  I promise to post your recommendations and your awesome recipes…just leave them in the comments or email me at katiela@live.com!